Thursday, October 23, 2008

My First Date Rules

There is no logical path to becoming a first date expert. If you’re good at them, you wouldn’t need to go on very many. If you’ve been on a lot, you’re probably doing something wrong. Still, a quick search reveals hundreds of websites with lists written by self-anointed first date specialists.

For example, Don Diebel (pictured), who drops pearls of wisdom like, “Don't pick your nose or scratch or readjust your crotch,” and “If you are taking medication, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom and take your pills. Don't take them in front of her.”

With intense concentration, I was able to follow Don’s advice. I haven’t gone on a second date yet, but she has referred to me as ‘babe’ in several text messages. I think this makes the date a success, plus I had fun.

Below is a list of rules I found on the internet, and a quick post-date assessment:

1. If you’re meeting somewhere, give good directions.

My date called when she was getting close to make sure that she was heading the right way, and I told her “If you get to the big brick building, you’ve gone to far.” Needless to say after seeing a dozen brick buildings she turned around prematurely, thinking she’d missed my street.
2. Don't act desperate.

I asked her on dates consistently for three weeks, is this what you call “desperate?"
3. Keep it light-hearted and don't act as if you are auditioning for a lifetime commitment.

On the way to dinner, ten minutes into the date, we discussed our deceased grandparents.
4. Don't pretend to be funny or humorous. If you are putting on an act, it will come across to her as phony.

This tip is worded incorrectly. It’s a statement saying that I’m not funny. Direct quote from my date, “Has anyone ever told you you’re funny?”
EAT IT Don Diebel!
5. Don't go to the movies (Even if suggested, the movies is a TERRIBLE first date it's just not personal enough, unless your 18 and trying to grab a tit in the theater)

We rented, but this rule must have been written before the release of the all-time great date movie, Ironman. An egotistical weapon-producing genius turns good and creates a nearly indestructible iron suit to stop terrorism – this movie screams first date.

6. On a first date, dress conservatively. This is no time to wear any provocative or sleazy clothes
Conservative? Please, I was rocking my Club Monaco pullover with a Westerner underneath.

7. Don't bitch about your previous girlfriends or ex-wives on how they mistreated you, dumped you, cheated on you, took you to the cleaners on child support, etc.

We both failed miserably in this regard. I did manage to avoid talking about getting taken to the cleaners, and child support, though.
8. Don't get drunk! This really turns women off and makes a bad impression. Don't drink at all or limit your drinking to a couple of drinks.
I win this one – no thanks to me. I drank the entire time. I had Margaritas at dinner and a rum and coke when we got home. But I never got drunk, didn’t have time.
9. Keep it upbeat.

I was in and out of sleep for the last hour of the movie. I woke up comfortably confused with a beautiful woman resting her head on my chest. I’m confident she was sleeping too, but I stand by Ironman as the greatest first date movie of all time.
10. Never, never end the night by asking for a second date like this: "I'm not doing anything on Saturday, are you?"
I would never do that. I waited until we were chatting on Facebook the next day.

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