Thursday, January 29, 2009

One Man, Three Gallons of Milk, Expiration date: Feb. 5

Things rarely go as planned. I envisioned my White Russian themed party as a hip affair featuring a beverage that appeases two of my vices – alcohol and dairy.

In the end I got my fill. By midnight I had indulged in approximately five of the featured drink and pushed as many as I could upon my guests.

If your White Russian count has reached two hands, you’re playing with fire. Milk and vodka both have the potential to wreak havoc on the stomach, add in the intensely sweet flavor of flavor of off-brand Kahlua and you can easily find yourself sober and heaving into the toilet.

With the shrewdness of a man who had recently reached the quarter century mark, I refrained from pushing the limits of creamy goodness and settled on rum for the rest of the night.

I woke up in an unexpectedly sprightly mood the next morning. The party had been a success and my twice proven method of intense dancing without drinking to end the night had once again rendered me hangoverless.

Still, my planning must have been flawed. It seems I overestimated my power of influence, and underestimated exactly how far a gallon of whole milk goes when making White Russians (my current estimate is 40).

When I opened my fridge the following morning I was greeted by nearly three full gallons of milk. Two gallons of whole milk, which I can barely drink, and the majority of a gallon of 1% were instantly a liability.

My mom said I should return one of the gallons, but who does that? So the last few days I’ve been on a mission. I’ve been overeating cereal and taking my milk and cookies obsession to the next level. I was mixing the 1% with the whole milk, but I've now finished the good stuff and barely put a dent in the heavy variety.

I’m a pretty big milk fan. I live by myself, but still buy full gallons. But two more gallons on the heels of a three day milk binge might be too much to handle.

I’m not afraid to push the limits of expiration a few days, so I’d say I’ve got about a week left. And I need your help.

Whole milk is great after a long run, or to add some body to a nice cup of cocoa on a chilly night. Stop by with all your milk garnishes. I'll provide the main course.


Reneé de la Curée said...

It's my rule to drink a cup of milk before a heavy night of drinking. It coats your stomach prevents a hang over. That's probably why you felt so good the day after...

But tell me, how did you feel Saturday morning?

Je®emy said...

So does 1% + whole = 2%?

Corey J. said...

Yep. And whole milk - skim milk = chocolate milk.

Carl said...

This sounds gross, but what happens if you add water?

Is that the only differences, and if so, I'm going to buy half gallons of whole milk and use my old gallon jugs with 1/4 gallon of water. Will this work?

Maybe they somehow take out fat and leave the nutrients. Who knows.

Corie said...

Mayday. Mayday. Do NOT add water to your whole milk.

it's DEFINITELY not the same. Tried and tested and grossed out.

Renee's trick on the other hand is golden.

Make some biscuits or something. You can buy bisquick and some eggs for like... $3. Then deliciousness ensues after 20 minutes!

Corey J. said...

Bake something . . . that's your solution to everything, Corie.

The word I have to type in is "cronab". I like cronab. That should mean something.

Corie said...

it is painfully obvious that Corey has never tasted anything I've made.

My solution to everything is... pay someone else to make something.

that being said, I stick behind my biscuit idea. And now I need to go pay someone to make me some.

Carl said...

How much milk will these biscuits use, and how long do biscuits keep?

I need to know what product requires the most milk, and has the longest shelf life.

Corey J. said...

Frozen milk pops.